When you first got together, you and your partner couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You’d spend all weekend in bed, reluctantly leaving to arrive late to a social commitment you couldn’t come up with an excuse for skipping. Flash forward a year or two, and now the only action you seem to get is from the colorful collection of vibrating friends sitting in your bedside drawer. The reality is, relationships typically change once the honeymoon period is over. As you become more comfortable with each other, you may not feel the need to prioritize your relationship in the same way you did in the beginning, and the amount of I-need-you-right-now sex you two have may decrease a bit. But what do you do if you suddenly find yourself in a totally sexless relationship?

According to Dr. Dana McNeil, licensed marriage and family therapist, a sexless relationship is a situation in which the lack of sex is a problem for at least one partner. It may cause emotional distress, insecurity, or an overall dissatisfaction with the relationship as a whole.

For most people, sexual satisfaction is important to the health of a long-term relationship, but often, the biggest issue isn’t the lack of sex itself, it’s the fact that it isn’t being acknowledged. “Many partners, innocently enough, try to minimize the problem or dismiss the issue because they don’t know how to handle it or are embarrassed,” McNeil says. “This will backfire every time.” If you’re feeling some discontent in this area, here are a few tips for how to move forward, and hopefully, get back to having spicy sex on the regular.

What Are The Causes Of A Sexless Relationship?

There are a number of reasons why couples stop having regular sex, and every situation is different. According to McNeil, the most common reason for a sexless marriage or relationship is simply exhaustion from your daily routine. You get up at five, go for a run, head to work, call your mom, make dinner, and next thing you know, bam, it’s 10 p.m., and you’re knocked out on the couch. The next day, it’s the same old story.

“What typically happens is that couples get into the business of ‘being in a relationship’ versus cultivating a connection,” McNeil says. “For some, sex can begin to feel like another box to check on their to-do list. The thought of having to get their mojo on and ‘perform’ sexually loses its shine when they just worked a 10-hour shift.”

Major betrayals, resentment, or unresolved conflict can also contribute to a lack of sex and intimacy. Even little things like leaving the dishes undone or letting clean laundry stay unfolded — if left unaddressed — can fester to the point where one partner just loses interest altogether.

“Withdrawing from being intimate can start to feel like a physical shield that protects the wounded partner from experiencing too much vulnerability,” McNeil says. “Sometimes taking sex off the table can feel like a way to take back control in the relationship.”

It’s also important to note that physical injuries, certain medications, or health conditions can negatively affect your sex life. For instance, if your partner is dealing with depression (or taking medication to treat said depression), that may be causing a decrease in their libido.

How To Talk To Your Partner About The Lack Of Sex In Your Relationship

The good news is that sexless relationships aren’t doomed to stay sexless forever. But in order to bring this issue up to your partner and change the pattern, it’s important to first understand your own feelings around the matter.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Lesli Doares, you need to be able to identify your beliefs and expectations around sex, and the role you want it to play in the relationship. Start by doing some self-reflection. Ask yourself questions like: “Why haven’t we been having sex? Are we just too busy, or is there an underlying cause? How am I feeling about my partner right now? How important is sex to me? Is a lack of sex something I can really live with?”

Once you’re able to do that, you can have an open and honest conversation with your partner about why the lack of sex is a problem for you. It’s crucial, however, to do so in a way that doesn’t place the blame on them, so try starting the conversation with “I” statements. For example, “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex lately, and it’s making me feel distant from you.” This framing will help you keep the focus on your feelings so you can minimize the possibility of starting an argument.

Most importantly, be open to the possibility that your behaviors have contributed to the issue, too, and try to be empathetic to your partner’s point of view. “Remember that a conversation is a two-way street,” Doares says. “You also must be willing to listen to their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and expectations around it. That’s where the seeds of a solution are.” If you’ve tried to bring this up before and just ended up getting into a fight, it may be time to consider meeting with a mediator or therapist, who can help facilitate a more productive conversation.

For couples who have become very distant, McNeil suggests trying “sensate touch” to reacquaint yourselves physically. All you have to do is be present (so leave your phone in the other room) and focus on the sensation of touching your partner and being touched by them back. It’s more about intimacy and less about sex. This can help distant couples feel emotionally safe with one another again.

“The fact is that when couples haven’t been intimate in some time, there is a tendency to want to make sure they have sex that ends in a win for both,” McNeil says. “This is often unrealistic, so re-igniting a sense of familiarity, desire, connection, and intimate awareness of each other’s body again while taking sex off the table can ignite desire to return to an intimate relationship.”

When To Leave A Sexless Relationship

If you’ve had honest conversations with your partner and you’re seeing no signs of change, this could be a red flag for your relationship. According to McNeil, “A person who doesn’t show empathy, concern, compassion, or interest in taking their partner’s needs into consideration has deeper intimacy issues than just not having sex.” If your partner lashes out, gets mean or defensive, or refuses to see a therapist with you, these are signs this person might not be the right partner for you long-term.

Sometimes couples realize they’re sexually incompatible. Maybe your libidos are mismatched or your sexual needs don’t align. In that case, the most important question to ask yourself is how important is sex to you in a relationship. Is it a dealbreaker for your partner to not want sex as often as you do?

If so, then staying in a sexless relationship will only leave you feeling unfulfilled more and more as time goes on, which will inevitably create other problems down the line. Don’t be afraid to call it quits if your needs aren’t being met. Chances are, you’ll find a partner who is a much better fit for you.

The world of dating is full of extremes. On the one hand, you might fall in love on your first date and immediately start spending all of your time together. On the other, a single ick could turn you off — and just like that, you’ll vow never to see each other again.

TikTok’s “10 date rule” aims to solve this problem by suggesting you try to have a few more meet-ups before making any swift decisions. “It refers to the idea that in order to figure out if you really like someone and want to commit to dating them, you should go on 10 dates with them first,” says Katie Dissanayake, a dating and relationship expert and founder and CEO of the anti-ghosting app After.

Here’s the rationale: When you first meet someone you may have on “honeymoon goggles” that cloud your judgment, she tells Bustle, and it might make you commit too soon — often before you can see red (or pink) flags. This might happen if they’re super hot, if they are particularly suave, or if you have a winner of a first date.

The 10 date rule helps you distinguish compatibility from infatuation, she says, as it also helps you slow down and get to know each other before making any rash decisions. This is perfect for people who tend to rush into relationships too quickly, but it isn’t the only benefit. Here’s what to know about the 10 date rule.

Seriously, Go On 10 Dates

If you’re someone who tends to go on a new first date every week, then it might sound like overkill to go on 10 whole dates with just one person. And yet, if you’re truly looking for a solid match or a loving long-term partner, then 10 really might be the magic number.

For starters, the 10 date rule helps stop you from jumping into relationships too quickly. “This approach can help you pace yourself and evaluate what you genuinely like about someone,” says Dissanayake. Going on a fourth, fifth, or 10th date allows you time to test your compatibility before you get too attached, which is a pitfall that can quickly lead to a sticky situationship.

This rule also allows you to spot red flags that might make a long-lasting relationship impossible. By the 10th date, you should feel more confident about who your date is as a person and whether or not you’d make a solid match.

“On the flip side, if you tend to overanalyze or stress about defining the relationship too soon, this structure might ease that anxiety by allowing a natural connection to develop before you feel the pressure to label it,” says Dissanayake. This is also helpful if you have a hard time committing, even when you really want to.

The 10 date rule reminds you that there’s no need to decide if you like someone on the first date. If you get the ick easily, this tactic could even help you push through your urge to give up too soon as it allows you time to to give someone a second chance.

Does Everyone Deserve 10 Dates?

The short answer is no, not everyone deserves 10 chances. The 10 date rule doesn’t apply to bad first dates or toxic matches you can tell are wrong from the jump. If you go out with someone who’s mean to the server or who belittles your career, then you can part ways and never look back. There’s no need to force yourself to go on more dates just to “see if things change.”

“Like every other dating rule, it comes down to your own preferences, habits, and needs — and it’s always going to be a case-by-case situation,” says Dissanayake. You’ll know someone is worth the 10 date rule if you have great chemistry but aren’t quite sure you align in other ways.

The same is true if your date is great on paper but you don’t feel an initial spark. It provides enough time for you to get more comfortable around each other, which is when your true personalities will start to shine. For people who fall in love with someone’s personality before feeling attracted, this is truly ideal.

“Taking it one date at a time will keep you from spiraling.”

“Taking it one date at a time will keep you from spiraling, projecting too much onto the other person, or turning dating into a big audition for The Love Of Your Life,” she says. And if this dating rule doesn’t work for you? That’s OK, too.

“Instead of counting dates, ask yourself: Was that fun? Did I feel respected, excited, happy? Do I want to see them again? Dating rules should provide structure and fresh perspectives — not limitations,” she says.

You can also bail out at any time if you learn something unsavory, you aren’t having fun, or you feel yourself losing interest. This is a fun guideline to follow if you’re serious about finding The One as it allows you to truly get to know someone better, but it isn’t set in stone.

Setting Up 10 Dates

Another important point? These 10 dates don’t have to all be fancy dinners or expensive trips to the bar. You could do a cute first date at a cafe, a second at a nice restaurant, a third at a museum, and for the fourth a walk through the park or a trip to the farmer’s market.

“To get a well-rounded sense of their personality, try mixing it up,” says Dissanayake. “Seeing them in different settings can reveal new sides of their character and how they handle different experiences.” The idea is to get to know each other better. And who knows? You might just fall in love.

Source:

Katie Dissanayake, dating and relationships expert, founder and CEO of the anti-ghosting dating app After